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It’s the best possible news

Stay tuned folks

well there IS some good news

after having an agent for a famous literary agency jerk me around for 5 months in new york, they (she) couldn’t get it together  to read the final edited chapters. let me explain. they said it needed this, and needed that and by the way could you have it professionally edited too. so i said yes, yes, yes and after great expense and time they turned it down last week unread. thats correct UNREAD. because they couldn’t, or wouldn’t read the final piece. question. why did those nitwits keep me on the line for 5 months?

answer: dunno

but here’s the good news, i have had 4 more hits on my query and i have sent them all out.

what a ridiculous process. fools work is what it is.

Hmmm – why don’t I believe them?

AXXXXXX LXXXXXXX would like to thank you for introducing us to your work.  We regret to say that we aren’t the best match for you. Please rest assured that, although this is a form letter, we are using it simply for the sake of expediency and that your submission was carefully read and evaluated.

Having the right agent is an important relationship—as important as author and publisher—and our decision is very subjective, which is why we encourage you to try other agencies.

We wish you every success in placing your material with someone who is as committed to it as you are.

Best regards,

Blah Blah Blah

Advocate?

Thanks for your query.  Unfortunately, I do not feel that I could be the best advocate for your work.  Please keep in mind that mine is a subjective business, and an idea or story to which one agent does not respond may well be met with great enthusiasm by another, and I encourage you to continue writing to agents.  Hopefully you will find someone who will get behind you and your work with the conviction necessary in the current market.

Best wishes.

Sincerely,

No salutation, not mention of the title,- maybe its not such a bad thing that they won’t be an advocate for me

selective – hmmm

Thank you for your recent query letter and your interest in LXL. We are always eager to hear from writers who are serious about the business of writing; unfortunately, we do not feel that LXL is the right company to represent your work.
We have to be very selective of what we choose to represent, and all of our decisions are based on a frank assessment of the current needs of the literary and film
markets. The fact that this (my unnamed work) work doesn’t fit our narrow criteria for representation does not mean it couldn’t find a home elsewhere.  We urge you to submit your work to
other agencies or management companies that may be more suited to this type (my this sure doesn't sound good) of material.

 

so there!

I replied to an email bedbug asking if the agent actually read what I sent ad got this back

I actually am an agent.  I have over twenty five active clients and have sold twelve books this year alone.  All of the queries are vetted through me and the other agents keep me up to date on what types of projects they are looking for.

so there!

No salutation

Thank you for your submission to the Fxxxx Lxxxx literary management firm.  Unfortunately missing title it is not a good fit for our agency at this time.  Best of luck finding representation elsewhere. how nice

Please note for future reference that we are NOT considering projects in the following categories: children’s/young adult fiction or nonfiction, sci-fi/fantasy, horror, romance, short story collections, anthologies, plays, screenplays, cookbooks, art/photography books, calendars, educational texts, or poetry. however we do accept books in swahili on african acient arts

Sincerely, but not really

Vxxxxx Mxxxx

Assistant to blah blah blah

Here’s a new one

Go the lastest round of bedbugs and here’s a line from one that is an instant classic.

In this refusal, they didn’t use my name, or the name of my work. Instead thay copied the first page of my manuscript and wrote in red marker  “PLEASE USE ONE INCH MARGINS”

How ultimately directful is that?

My God

Well no bedbugs this week – guess it’s time to send some more queries out!

Bedbug British Style

From an agency in England

Dear David,

Thank you for sending us your work, Undertow. I am afraid that, despite its qualities, we do not feel confident enough to offer to represent you.

I apologise for the impersonal nature of this email, and for the time it has taken for us to get back to you.

We would like to wish you better luck in finding more suitable representation elsewhere.

Kind regards,

Hxxxxx

My, my how very proper. They use my name AND the title. So they get a star for that, but a demerit for this “I apologise for the impersonal nature of this email.” – I have sneaking suspicion they don’t really mean it.